Tumor

     Ethan works late tonight. He probably wont get home until twelve. Our apartment is quiet. The sliding screen door is open and the October breeze is making its way in. There is nothing but me and my thoughts. My thoughts......

Dear Future Child,

     I want you. There is nothing in this world that I would love to have more. We are anxious for you to make it to this world and to be a part of our eternal family. I want to be a mom. I want to hold you in my arms for the first time. I want to look after you and be your best friend like my mom and dad are to me. I want it so badly. Mom had quite a scare this month and the only thing I was most worried about was that I wouldn't be able to have you. I hope someday down the road you read this and truly know how much your father and I love you.

     Your dad and I went into the doctors office a couple weeks ago. I had been feeling funny and had been on my period for seven weeks. I just knew and felt something was wrong. Your father and I have been trying to get pregnant for seven months now with no luck. We got checked and everything seemed to be fine. The doctor took a couple of blood samples and we went on our way feeling that everything was ok and that it was just taking us awhile to get you.

     The next day I missed a phone call from Dr. Huish while I was at work. I noticed he had left me a message so I stepped outside and listened to the phone call. He had told me that my blood work came back and they were all fine except one and that I needed to call him right away. I was pretty startled and thankful that your grandmother worked at the same school as me. I walked down to her room and told her the news. Thirty minutes later your stubborn grandma made me call the doctor back. After anxiously waiting on hold for fifteen minutes the doctor told me the news. I had a very high amount of prolactin in my blood and this most likely is caused from having a tumor in the brain.....My body went numb and I just stared blankly at your grandmother. I hung up the phone and tried as best as I could to explain what the doctor had told me. All I could think was brain tumor......your grandma wrapped me in her arms as I cried and tried to wrap my head around it all. This was the scariest moment of your moms life. I have never felt so many emotions and I cant even explain in words how truly terrified I was.

     The doctor had told me that I needed to schedule a head x ray that day and we would go from there. The worst part of my day was not being able to get a hold of your father. I called and texted him over and over but never got an answer. He had work and school that day but he usually always answered my texts. I had to go through my whole day at work just wondering if there was a tumor in my head. So many of my questions unanswered. I had to hold back my tears the whole time and the minute I sat in my car I broke down. I went straight over to your Grandma and Grandpa Connollys house. Your grandma had called all of my brothers and sisters and grandparents letting them know what was going on.

     I had to leave right away to go get my head x rays but before I left I asked your grandpa to give me a blessing. Your Uncle Brett and Grandma gathered around me as my dad placed his hands on my head. I will cherish this blessing and memory the rest of my life. I have never felt so much love from my father in heaven and my father here on earth. They both truly knew what I needed to hear. I couldn't help but cry and even in this scary moment think of my many blessings. I could feel the love and spirit radiating from my fathers hands and I knew that I would feel peace. I am sure that your sweet spirit was in that room with me surrounding me with love and comfort.

     That night, still after not hearing from your father the whole day, I was finally able to go home. I had felt so much better after my blessing but as soon as I walked in the door of our little apartment I felt sick.Your dad jumped up and gave me a hug. I could see he was happy and glad I was home. He had no idea what kind of day I just had. I angrily asked him why he NEVER answered his phone and why I couldn't get a hold of him. He said he lost it. I broke down and told him what my day consisted of. At first your father thought I was joking. That I was trying to make up a story to get back at him for not answering my phone calls. After a couple of seconds he knew it wasn't a joke. We cried together on our tiny sofa and I stayed in his arms for who knows how long. I love your father. He is my other half. He knows me so well and took such great care of me that night. A couple hours later we called your Grandma Carla and Grandpa Brad and told them the news.

     That night your father called Brother Slade from our bishopric to come and help give me a blessing. Your father is a worthy priesthood holder and gave me an amazing blessing. I love him more and more each day and I don't know what I would do without him. Your father has strengthened my testimony on priesthood and I am so grateful to have a priesthood holder in our home. I got no sleep those two nights. Your father was my rock. There were so many people praying for me and I truly felt all of their prayers. My family was their for me when I needed them and were such a blessing to me.

   I waited three days before I got news of my head x ray. Once again we went into his office. They scheduled me for a pelvic ultrasound just so they can rule out all the options of why I wasn't being able to get pregnant. I waited patiently in the tiny room for about an hour. Finally the doctor gave me some news. He said there was good and bad. The good was that my head x ray came back normal. That there was no sign of damage from a tumor.(Although x rays do not pick up on tumors; you need an MRI for that). The bad was that my ultrasound came back and I had poly-cystic ovaries. He showed me a picture of my ovaries and there were tiny black dots all over them. The first thing I thought of was you. Would I be able to have you in my life? Would I ever be a mom? He told me he would prescribe me on three different medications which I am now taking to help me get pregnant. If I cant get pregnant within six months we will take an MRI of my brain and see what is happening in there.

     I know this is really long but I truly want you to know how much you mean to me already and I don't even know you. I want you to know that your father and I have been through some pretty rough weeks recently and that we are trying everything we can to bring you into our family. I want you to know that mom loves you and that I would drop anything for you. Your father loves you and wants you more than anything. Thanks for being so patient with us. I love you so much.


Love,
  Mom